Momma Says the F Word

Profanity, parenting, and ridiculously verbose descriptions of absolutely nothing.

Tuesday, February 04, 2014

Desperate, she turns to her old friend Blog


Where do you live?

Is it the one corner of the earth that is not full of puffy, pallid, freakishly depressed over-wintered individuals?

For your sake, I hope so.

I do not live in that corner. No. I live in Wisconsin. My kids have missed 4 days of school for extreme cold (which my district defines as wind chills greater than -35 degrees). And some snow days too. My dog has been toileting on the first 2 feet of our deck since November...he won't go out any further. I will probably have to sand/stain that thing if we ever thaw out here.

I know, most of you live in a shithole that is experiencing a terrible winter too. So I probably don't have to say much more about that.

Just know that we have feet upon feet of snow cover, it's negative something degrees out every day, and I almost don't believe that this season will ever end.

I am unwell. Oh, shit, I'm healthy as a horse, physically speaking. I can't remember the last time that I was so freakishly well for such an extended period of winter. (Knocking on wood. Big wood. God, why did I even type that? I'm sure to be hospitalized within the next two days.)

But, yeah, I'm crazy as a loon up in here. Crazy.

This despite hitting the fitness hard. Fitness of course trumps anti-depressants, and even with DAILY, I tell you DAILY workouts of the asskicker variety, the dark bleak nasties are all up in my grill. I have quads the size of oak trees but the only thing I want to do with them is roundhouse kick customer service personnel in the mug. My upper back and shoulders are like the concrete mold of a human's upper back and shoulders but all I want to do with those is drive myself shoulder-first into the person who stole my parking spot.

Yes, I want to use my powers for evil.

This is not good.

Oh, Lord. How did I ever survive those bleak winters in The Woods with THREE BABIES? I now live in a place with things to do, one of my kids is in school all day and the other for half days, and I feel like I may have never been crazier. How is this possible? I have free time. Free time. Like sometimes, I actually even WASTE TIME. (I am so sorry to admit that to those of you who have not wasted even a morsel in years.) But yeah. Crazy. I should probably re-read blog archives to remind myself how crazy I was in winters' past. No I shouldn't. But anyhow, yeah. I'm not a person who feels delighted right now.

I have no patience with my small people. It feels like they are fighting with each other 24 hours a day, which I know cannot be possible, because they sleep like 11 and they're separated by school for a minimum of 4 hours. But I tell you it feels like 24 hours a day of battles over such hot button topics as, "I WAS GOING TO SIT ON THAT COUCH!" and "I DO NOT WANT TO SHARE MY 400 PIECES OF GUM!" and "HE WILL NOT PLAY THE GAME THE WAY I WANT HIM TO PLAY IT."

Seriously, kiddos, you are making me look so old.

I am weary with these small people. They theoretically have a father, and that's a nice thing, but he only appears in mirages. Yes, the man is at work. When, you ask? Always, I say. If I had a dollar for every time I sat down to dinner with 3 screeching harpies and myself this winter, well, I guess I'd have enough money to buy myself some nice snacks. But, man, I miss the spouse. That guy I once knew.

Oh, hell, I'm a whiner.

My life is so TOTALLY NORMAL and my kids are so TOTALLY NORMAL and the winter blues are so TOTALLY NORMAL and having a functioning furnace is something I TOTALLY TAKE FOR GRANTED.

Yeah, so I'm a dick. I know.

Maybe I should blog more.

How's your winter going?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so glad that everything is OK (even if it feels desperate)! I was worried about you after such a long lapse in posts.

I hate winter too, and totally feel you on the dark cold sad feelings.

2:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is the worst winter ever!!!! Maybe because I have a 3 & 1 year old and it is an exciting day if we go ANYWHERE (we have hit the fast food drive thru just to get out on some super cold days). Spring, please help!!!

6:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you're back! I enjoyed your month-long blogging in November and missed getting that daily dose. Sorry you're having the winter blues, but never apologize for ranting to friends (and/or readers).

I live in Austin, so our winters are nothing compared to yours, but, if it makes you feel any better, I have to keep myself doped up with allergy meds to get through the cedar pollen for 2-3 months each winter. (Some people walk around in dust kidding...but I prefer the route that will likely lead to early cataracts and senility.)

I'd tell you to move down south to get away from the crazy weather, but we've had 3 "snow days" so far ourselves, so it wouldn't really help. The only difference is that on our snow days, we are usually able to be back on the roads by noon, if not earlier.

Sending sunny thoughts your way!

5:53 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

On the other side of the coin. I am a middle school teacher and would give ANYTHING for a damn snow day, just one. Wouldn't it be fun to do a trade? We could each have what we think we want. UGH winter.

5:49 PM  
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10:29 AM  

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