Momma Says the F Word

Profanity, parenting, and ridiculously verbose descriptions of absolutely nothing.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Let's lighten shit up around here with some talk about vomit

I just submitted my writing samples to the prospective employer o' doom. I'm kind of detaching at this point and letting it go for now. To celebrate, I'm going to share a transcript of a multi-day text exchange between my sister, Auntie Hode, and I. Because it's Friday, and you all deserve a treat the likes of this. And it's always fun to see how weird other people are.

I'm also considering seeing how many consecutive post titles I can write that include the word "shit."

If you don't think this is funny, well, I'm sorry. I do.

[The following is reprinted without Auntie Hode's permission. Because this honey badger doesn't give a shit.]

Tuesday, January 22nd

Hode: You know that movie "127 Hours"? I'm about to make one called "14 Hours." It costars me and 40 research papers. It also ends with me cutting my own hand off.

Big W: You know that movie called "The Kids Puked and Then The Mom Lost 10 Pounds By Shitting Water"? Well, I'm starring in it.

Hode: Fuck. I'd rather go see that movie.

Big W: So would I. So would Bigs' Pillow Pet.

Hode: #a plague of plagiarism and emesis on both our houses

Wednesday, January 23rd

Hode: Are you alive? How's your b-hole? Is the vomit comet gone?

Big W: Pretty alive. I'm tired but b-hole cleared up. Bigs has gut cramps and diarrhea still. Phook is 100%. Parkie and Big K are as yet unafflicted.

Hode: That sounds crappy but better.

Big W: Yes. I'm hoping Parkie inherited Big K's iron gut because I cannot pick another red-sauce based meal out of bedding...

Hode: Jesus. I'd rather get kicked in the quad by a mule.

Big W:  Bigs actually victimized his Pillow Pet with taco soup. It's like one of those near death experiences where the person sees hell rather than the light.

Hode: Or when you find out the person you've been married to for 20 years is a serial killer.

Big W: Yes, like that. Although the glasses should have tipped you off.

Hode: I snorted when I read that.

Big W: For more snorting, I suggest you refer to [social media site] where The Tech Guy and I have a discussion that concerns you.

Hode: Oh Jesus.

Big W: I think what you mean is "Oh Lord Jesus, it's a fire..."

Thursday, January 24th

Big W: Dude. Bigs and Parkie chuffed within 15 minutes of each other last nite. They're having bananas and applesauce today. I'm having whiskey. #needareliever

And, radio silence....


Blogger Maven said...

Well THANK YOU for that link.

Also I like to refer to shitting water as "buttpiss."

8:41 PM  

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