School Daze
Hmm. Usually I feel like I sorta basically know what to do. Maybe not what you would do, but I usually sorta at least know what I should do and I don't kick it around too much. I just decide.
But I'm having a thing. I don't know what to do. Here's the thing. Phook is a late September birthday kid. Which means she has two more full school years after the current one ends before she enters kindergarten. Playing by the calendar, she will not enter kindergarten until 2012, and she will turn 6 a couple weeks into the school year. That seems like a long time from now. I know that in hyperspeed parenting world, it isn't. But considering how old and knowledgeable she seems to me right now, I can't even imagine what that kid will be rocking mentally over two years from now.
So most kids who are generally her age will enter 4K this year, but she's not even old enough for that yet because of the September birthday. But it seems like many/most of her little pals are headed in that direction. Okay.
So here's what I am struggling with. I am trying to decide if I think Phook needs to get into some school-type environment, either this coming school year or even the following year. I feel like 99% of the parents I know are very, very, very pro-school at pretty much the youngest age you can get them in. Everyone is jazzed about sending their kid into a school setting, and it seems to be universally regarded as a good thing and the "right" thing to do. I actually have exactly one friend (one who I like and respect very, very much, I will note) who has kept her children home with her until they go off to kindergarten. Every other parent I am in any real communication with--and there are many of them--has sent their children into some form of educational setting prior to kindergarten. This includes stay at home parents and both full and part-time working parents. It just seems to have become the thing to do. 4K programs in particular are hugely utilized here.
The thing is, I have always assumed that I would keep my kids home with me, fully, until they were ready to enter kindergarten. The real, official, kindergarten. It's what my mom did with me. I think I went to Sunday School for an hour on Sunday mornings the year before kindergarten, but that was it. I always thought that was the way you did it when you stayed home with your kids. Thinking back, I remember feeling awkward and maybe even shy during my first couple years of school. I was a bit of a loner, asking to stay inside during recess to read and the like, until third grade. At which point I made friends and ended up spending the remainder of my school years experiencing a pretty easy and successful ride in terms of social stuff. I don't remember those first couple years of school as especially traumatic and I don't remember mourning for my mom or dreading school or anything, I just distinctly remember myself as being an outsider. I sometimes wonder if it just took me awhile to get up to speed socially. I wonder if it at all stemmed from not having been in any daycare or school setting prior to kindergarten. Granted, a lot of kids were probably in that position at that time. I should probably ask my mom what she remembers of it to get a better clue. But whatever. There's that.
I guess I just never thought I'd send my kids to school until the year they were supposed to enroll in kindergarten according to the regular schedule of the school year. But now it seems like the "big question." Like when you have a newborn, the big question is, "Is s/he sleeping through the night?" When you have a two-year-old, the big question is, "Is s/he potty trained yet?" And now the big question seems to be, "Will she go to school next year?" And when I say she has a September birthday and isn't eligible for 4K yet, the response is almost universally a weeping and gnashing of teeth about how bad that sucks. And I'm kind of standing there like I'm a few sandwiches short of a picnic, thinking, "Oh, I'm supposed to be upset about this? This sucks? Okay. Good to know." I guess I didn't know it was a universal thing to look forward to...sending your shortie off into the land of formal education. I did not know that us parents of September babies were supposed to be cheesed off. I always thought of it as a bonus...Big K and I both having been young for our classes in school, we were jealous of the kids who had their driver's license for a whole year before we did. You know, stuff like that. But I guess this is the thing. I hated those earlier big questions, and I really hate this one. Sometimes I get a little defensive and act like a jerk when people ask me. Yup, I do. It's sensitive for me, I admit it.
I don't know. The thing is, I started out thinking I was for sure keeping her home until the last possible minute. I was adamant about it. I was offended by the suggestion that she go to any school earlier than kindergarten. But something is wearing me down. And I don't know if it is the collective voice of parents of other preschool age kids, or if it is my own gut telling me she really could benefit from something to ease her into the world of school and the world of being away from me and, well, the world. When the adamantly no-sugar parent tells me their kid can't have suckers because it will turn them into a brick of muenster or something, I'm pretty okay with being okay with my kids having candy anyhow. I mean, I just think it's okay for a kid to eat candy if they also eat a bushel of fruit and vegetables every day, which mine do. So I'm at peace with that one. But a lot of parents that I really respect and like and generally agree with on parenting matters are very much sure that sending their kids to preschool or 4K or whatever is just the cat's ass. So I'm actually caring a little bit and feeling like a tool that my early gut feelings on the subject were exactly the opposite of this vast majority of people that I like and tend to consider to be non-crazy.
I just don't know. Everyone beats the drum of socialization to the point where I honestly want to puke. My kids aren't hermits. They have many, many, many little pals and usually have multiple playdates every week either here, at other families' homes, or at neutral locations. They like going places and hanging with other kids, although admittedly they tend to engage with each other or with me more than with the playdate buddies at this point, although the trend is definitely in the direction of more and more interaction with the buddy. Phook has been in gymnastics for the past year and, although I am in the bleachers, she is often out of my line of sight and tends to look in my direction only if she has to pee or if she is doing something really cool and wants me to see it. She is generally totally engaged with the teacher and other students and is eager about doing it, and has made progress in the ease with which she slides into that setting. So that has been good, and we'll continue with that and possibly other similar activities. So I'm not locking them up in my den of weirdness and throwing away the key. These kids get out and about and have a more active social life than I do.
Phook is also smart. She is not advanced in an academic way - she knows her letters decently and is learning to write them, but she does not know her letter sounds. But she is what I would call world-smart. She can explain processes and the way things work and has an understanding of things that I consider deep for a three-year-old. She has a very large vocabulary and knows a lot of obscure animals and machines and general weird crap. She can basically bake and garden. This reflects, basically, what I stress here at home. I don't sit down and do "school stuff" with her. I just talk about the world around us and let her get involved in 99% of the crap that I'm doing, even if most people wouldn't. Sometimes I feel really shitty about this, because I know that if I devoted time to it, I could have her reading by now. If I walked around saying "B says "buh"" instead of, "This is cinnamon, it is a good ingredient in an apple pie...why don't you put some on the spoon and dump it in the mixer," well, she'd be reading instead of baking. So I beat myself up on that count. And it makes me feel like it is a vote for some formal education. Because Mommy is a slacker on the letter sounds and I don't see that changing too much with a new baby on the way. Ugh.
I just don't know. It's been awhile since I've been this torn on something. I have no inclination to send her to school to get her out of my hair or anything of the sort. On the contrary, I like having her around. But I'm wondering if she would like to go on a new adventure. Part of me feels like she would enjoy it and would excel in a different environment, and it would help transition from being with mommy all day to being the big kid who magically somehow is supposed to have the skill set to sit and listen to a teacher for an 8-hour school day when her year for kindergarten rolls around.
We have an option for this. There is a little learning center affiliated with our church that is literally right across the street from our house. I can see it right now out my window. They have 3K. It is flexible and you can, I guess, just send your kids for limited amounts of time that you choose. I haven't looked into it much, but I don't think the costs would be prohibitive. Big K has a co-worker whose son, about 6 months older than Phook, attends a couple mornings per week. And he loves it. Something is making me think about it, when a long time ago I decided that I had decided about this. And now I have undecided and I'm unable to find my own path easily on this. Not something that happens often. Ugh.
I think I need to go over there, talk to the teachers, figure out what they actually do in a day, how flexible it really is, what the costs really are, and, you know, the actual reality of what is offered. And then bash my head against something for awhile and decide. Or not decide. Or blog about it with a lot of run-on sentences. Or whatever.
My basic objection to any pre-k schooling, for the record, is that kids spend a couple decades in school once they go, and once they go, they do not come back. It is little school, bigger school, huge school, mortgage. No turning back. The time at home is utterly precious and utterly minute in the scheme of a life. The thought of my kid in a desk or even at a fun little activity table when she could be outside running through the sprinkler makes me want to barf. I don't want to rush her growing up. I don't want to rob her, her siblings, or (selfishly) me, of any little kid moments that she couldn't have if she were at school. As in all things, balance is probably the key, but those, right there, are the gut feelings I had about schooling at the moment I birthed her. And as explained with too many words in this post, those feelings are getting edged aside bit by bit by all the other considerations there are to consider. But there they are. Big W's initial gut on the subject, in all its glory. Puke.
I guess I'm wondering, (God help me), what you think. Just chime in. Don't be a butthole about it, but go ahead and chime in. Give me food for thought. Give me anecdotes about your vaguely shy-ish but worldly child and how you approached this issue. Tell me if you're in the 1% of people who actually thinks it's okay to keep a kid home until kindergarten without turning them into Jack the Ripper. You know, stuff like that. Tell me. Because this one is making me twitch. Yup it is.
posted by Big W @ 4:29 PM
24 Comments:
First off, I am jealous that you get to keep your kids at home. I always imagined I would stay home until kindergarten, too, cause that's what my mother did, but alas: it was not to be. In some ways it was best that it wasn't a choice so I never had to think about it. But I think a few days a week where Phook could interact with other shorties and teachers without you couldn't be anything but beneficial to her. Plus, if you hate it, you can always yank her out of there and bake a pie.
A couple of mornings a week would ease her into a more structured routine, instead of springing full days on her later.
And Sally's right. If it doesn't work out, you have the option to change your mind. No big.
I stayed home with my baby for the first year and a half. When he was about a year old, I began thinking I'd like to go back to work. I put him in a mother's morning out program two times a week for six months. By the time I had my start date lined up, it was a much easier transition for him to go to daycare (almost) full-time, because I'd made the change less drastic for him.
You're in the best position. You get to choose.
I am a teacher. I love the thought of Phook running through a sprinkler, sprinting down the block with you in the snow,and helping you bake right up until K-time. I would keep her home. She gets social interactions. She gets having to be patient and wait her turn (and she will get it more with the next baby!). Those at-home things can't be replicated at school, and this time is fleeting. I vote stay home.
This is just right: "I just talk about the world around us and let her get involved in 99% of the crap that I'm doing, even if most people wouldn't." And she likes it. And she's learning things. Trust your gut.
From a BBC News thingie: "Children in Finland only start main school at age seven. The idea is that before then they learn best when they're playing and by the time they finally get to school they are keen to start learning." Finland's educational system routinely gets the best results, but the students spend fewer hours in the classroom than in any other developed country.
So yeah, sprinklers and pie.
Oh God. How have we not discussed this AT LENGTH already, woman? Because Cletus is also a late Sept b-day, and I think about this shit all. the. time.
I, sadly, am one of the teeth-gnashers about the whole "2 more years until kindergarten" thing -- mainly because a) our public schools here suck, my kid is smart, and she will have no access to "gifted" programs or anything like that to keep her interested should her late start at school find her bored out of her gourd, and b) my kid is HUGELY TALL and will tower over all the other kids once she finally starts kindergarten, which I know from personal experience as the tallest kid in my class is a sucky, sucky fate.
We have Cletus in preschool 2 mornings a week. next year she will go 3 mornings a week. After that, who knows? She digs it.
But I will also say that I am pretty sure she's not, you know, learning any long division or political science or major life skills that will actually make any educational difference, you know? It's only "school" insomuch as it takes place in a school building. Really, it's supervised sing, play time, and snacks. That I pay for. If you're not into that, I say what's the point? Phook is awesmoe and obviously doing well, and you had fabulous parenting instincts...
What does Phook say about all this? Is she interested in going to preschool?
Ha. That last bit should read "HAVE fabulous parenting instincts." Didn't want you to think I was saying you've lost your touch... :)
XO to everyone.
As for Phook's opinions on the matter, she expresses excitement at the idea of school as I have attempted to describe it to her, which basically consists of a description of hanging out with other little kids, singing, playing, learning stuff, etc. Then when I say that school is something kids do without their moms and dads...they go and they listen to a teacher while their moms and dads go back home or to work, Phook excitedly says something like, "But you can come with me!" like it is any other adventure along the lines of going to her favorite grocery store where they have the miniature carts she loves to push. So I think she's excited about the activities she might be able to do at school but I don't really think her brain can wrap itself around the idea that there are things you eventually do when not in the company of either a) mom/dad or b) one of a handful of well-known and very trusted other adult relatives. It is a totally foreign concept to her, as she has literally never been in a situation that didn't include one of those parties. Wait, I'm lying. There is the exception of her spending one hour, twice a week for 6 consecutive weeks, with one of Auntie Hode's teenage students (and Bigs) when I took a yoga class this winter at Hode's school. But that's really it. Other than those few hours, every minute of her life has been spent with either a parent or other adult relative.
W - We're in a similar boat with Oliver, our oldest, born days before Phook (I think). So far, we have no intentions of putting him in preschool, for all the same reasons you mentioned. My husband is an elementary school teacher, and he has had plenty of students who didn't do preschool. In talking with others teachers and parents who've skipped it, I'm confident kids can be perfectly successful in gradeschool without it. She's learning all day with you at home, she gets lots of social interaction in her life now, you all are enjoying one another's company for the few years you have together.... Why rush it?
I'm sure she'll do fine either way. But if your gut says no, I don't think you need to feel pressured to do it.
Good luck!
allison
You know your kiddoes best and what you are doing with her now in showing her baking, etc. is the best experience that she can have. I am so with you on keeping the kids at home to the extent that I decided to homeschool my son. It's for the very reason that childhood is so short and I didn't want to miss any of it(that and the schools in my area are horrid). Do what you feel is right.
With my boys, I kinda look at it this way: they're only little once. I'll never get this time back, and I kinda want to soak it up while I can. I don't think I would ever regret keeping them home with me, however I think it's possible that I would regret sending them to school before it was absolutely necessary. They have the rest of their lives to grow up and do what society requires, and only a short few years to make couch cushion forts with their siblings. I say, if you want to keep her home, then go for it. I'm pretty sure she's learning just as much, if not more, from you than she would at pre-school. Either way, though, I'm sure she'll be fine. You seem like an amazing Momma and I'd imagine the foundation you've laid for her will help her succeed regardless of the course she takes. Here's to hoping you can make a decision that you feel totally comfortable with!
The curriculum has definitely been pushed down from when we were kids--what we learned in second grade kids today are learning in first, etc., and with this came the advent of K4 so once they get to real kindergarten they already have some pre-reading and social skills.
Kids who come to kindergarten never having held a pencil or book and who have lived their lives almost entirely in small apartments in front of the TV due to their family's poverty definitely would benefit from any pre-K schooling.
However, you do things with your kids, read to them, let them draw and paint, take them places, have them problem solve, etc. which are all skills they will transfer to learning at school. So don't worry your kids will do fine in school no matter how long you keep them at home beforehand. It is really up to you.
See what Aunt Patti says. My 3 yo nephew has been going to a little school program one day a week for the last 6 months? I don't know how long it lasts.
I don't remember being traumatized by kindergarten, other than maybe it was too easy.
It IS a tough decision. Here's what I'm doing with Eva (March birthday). I'm sending her to a 2 day/week 3 hour/day preschool in the fall--this is purely for social reasons (the kid is a smarty pants) and to get her used to being under someone else's tuttelage (sp?). The place I'm sending her has a 4-year old program AND is a site for 4-yr old Pre-K. I like this--I have options for her 4-yr old year and I can keep her in the same place for the next 2 years. I feel the same way as you--why rob them of their school-less existence before you have to, kids learn best by play, etc. But then I start to go through all the "what ifs." What if she starts out behind all the other kids (doubtful--she will be reading before the year is out I'm sure of it), how can I get her to maintain her edge (there's a lot of competition out there for schools, scholarships, etc.). These two feelings are at war within me.
I'm like you - I'm a stay-at-home mom and have never seen any reason not to keep my kids with me until kindergarten. They'll be in school long enough once they start, so why rush into it? Well, now my daughter is three and I'm looking into part-time preschool for the simple reason that she would LOVE it. She's social, she loves to meet new people, and she's smart as a whip. I don't think it's hurting her to stay home with me, but it can only help her to be in a classroom setting with kids her own age a few hours a week. The good thing about it at this age is it's optional; send her for a while and if one of you hates it, pull her out and try again next year!
Hey - Too bad you're having to agonize/feel bad about this decision. If you feel that maybe it would be fun/good/groovy for Phook, why not just try the little pre-school across the street for ONE morning a week or something? If she *loves* it it will be good for you (more time one-on-one with Bigs, and once #3 is there, some time for baby?). However, I agree with the others who said that I don't think it will hurt her NOT to go to any sort of school before Kindergarten. She is learning a ton, and gets to do so in a 'free'
environment (vs the enforced structure of most public schools. So go with your gut, maybe try it out... or don't. Either way - you're a great mom and Phook will be fine!
Hey there,
I fully support Maven's comment on trusting your gut, and have read the same article on Finnish schooling ;). I've kept my kids at home as long as I can, mostly because it seems the right thing to do. For our family, for our situation, for mine and my kids' sanity... and my kids live in a country where they start school aged 7 as well ;) So do whatever works for you guys. If you think Phook would love the centre across the road, sending her there for a couple of mornings a week would be ideal. And about the cinnamon and baking pie - what a fabulous way to learn: by doing, rather than learning in a formalised schoolroom setting. As far as I understand from friends and family who are teachers, this is what more modern educational theory is moving towards anyway. That totally rocks.
Another quick thought - about your own experience and school - I'm not sure that being miss popularity from day one of primary school is necessarily the best thing for a person, when looking at the general development of a human being - interesting that you yourself felt as an outsider in the first years of school, but weren't traumatised by it. Probably because you had a well-grounded childhood at home with your family? In my experience, having this "outsider" perspective at some time in your life (as long as you aren't totally traumatised) can go a long way to making you an empathetic, understanding, humane person.
So thus endeth my rant. I don't know you, but I reckon your own instinct on what's good for Phook sounds pretty spot-on. Cheers!
p.s. A good reason for sending the girl to preschool: you will soon have 3 kids at home and not just 2. That alone may be a reason to take advantage of getting one of the three out of the house.
She'll be awesome either way. I'm not sure if there are Wait Lists in the Woods, but if so, you can do what I did: put her on some wait lists so you feel you have Done Something about this conundrum. Then stop thinking about it (at least until a slot opens).
You are in such a fortunate position to be able to decide. I agree with the other commenters - you are doing enriching things with her daily, even if they don't involve "B says /b/". From a teacher's point of view, as long as you are reading to her often, she is getting important prerequisites to actual decoding. When she shows an interest in letters and reading, you can guide her as you choose. Having some letter-based toys, like magnetic letters for the fridge, might encourage her interest if you want to. Plus, she is getting real life experiences that will make her a better reader when she does read on her own - comprehension is much easier when you can connect what you're reading to something you already know. She's getting socialization through the activities you described, and from what you said, it sounds like she can hold a pencil, cut, and color. She has demonstrated the ability to listen to teachers and attend to their instructions her. In short, she is getting the skills she needs to have at this point.
I didn't go to preschool because I was too shy. It was a little bit of a tough transition to kindergarten because I didn't want to separate from my mom for even the half day. I'm glad that my mom didn't force the preschool issue, and I didn't suffer academically at all. Socially, though, I probably could have used the interaction, which it seems Phook is already getting. My sister, on the other hand, wanted nothing more than to go to school, so she was signed up for pre-K as soon as she was old enough. My mom trusted her instincts and knew her kids, and you do too. I hope I am able to as well when the time comes!
here's what happened to my kiddo:
i had to go back to work while he was still an infant. neat enough, i worked in an infant/toddler development program. he was practically raised from 6mo old until starting 1st grade (we had a kinder teacher at our school too) and as soon as he went off to "big school" he was AWFUL. anti-social, refused to be a helper, reversing his long completed potty training, etc etc. i feel like the childcare place i worked at was his home of sorts and in retrospect, he should've been sent elsewhere for a couple of mornings a week around Phook's age. it would've had him more prepared for being away from me and all the kids who were essentially his "siblings" that he had gone to daycare with for so many years. my son and i were a lot like u and Phook are in ways of learning. just talk about things, hang out, go places, play, have fun, friends, shop, everything is an adventure! until his mommy was no longer there.
my 2 cents, give it a shot. 2 mornings a week to start out, no more than 3 at any point and u can pull her at anytime. once she starts real school, there's no pullin' her unless u feel up to homeschooling the beasties. :)
good luck!
kel
Just a few thoughts. It IS a big decision, or at least, we make it into one. I have agonized the other direction, with my small, but bright Aug 28th-born son. I have had everyone and their mothers give me advice. And yet, I have a gut that feels like doing the opposite of that advice.
But, ultimately, it's not going to harm her, no matter what you decide. She'll still get mucho time with you at home, still be doing what she does now. "School" --at her age and even through kindergarten--involves tons of fun, playing, active play, imaginative play, etc. They learn through playing. What's a few hours a week in a different social/play environment?
Would I keep my kids at home with me till kindergarten if I had had the choice? Maybe. Maybe I'd send them a few hours a week, given what I know of who they are.
Believe me, if moms can get over the crushing guilt that society likes to punish us with when we have to put our kids in full-time childcare--well, maybe I haven't totally gotten over it, but I do NOT believe my kids will grow up to be sociopaths with attachment disorders--then a few hours a week either way is probably just fine.
So make your decision selfishly. If you want her around more and can't bear to part with her yet, keep her out of preschool. If you want a few hours a week where you can more closely focus on the second and third children, then send her. But try not to sweat it too much. There will more things to put that much energy into than a few hours of a good preschool across the street from home.
As another teacher, I would say scout a few places out. You'll know if it's a fit for Phook. I recently had to put our 2 1/2 year old into daycare for the 1st time (daddy worked from home & was getting less work done...)and she's LOVED it. But I saw A LOT before I chose, and she really chose it. Bring Phook along as a decision-maker. For my daughter, her language has expanded even more, and she's learning how to be cooperative with same-age peers. She asks when shes going back to see her friends. But at the moment I was deciding, I was freaking out- she had only been left with grandparents and aunts before that. I agree with the others that she'll be fine either way when she starts school- kids are only kids once! I don't blame you for wanting to hog all of her love for yourself before she goes off for all those years..but yay that you'll have summers off for years to come with them! You'll know for each child what will benefit them best. SunnyD
Here's my 2 worthless cents- keep her with you. I was a gung-ho send 'em to pre-k with my 1st born. At the time, I had a 2.5 yr old and a new baby. One day, the director called to ask if I was picking son up - OOPS - I had fallen asleep on the floor. It ended up being a ridiculous rush of kids & babes into and out of the car and back again. Was it worth it? Did it make some large difference? NO! But, I tried again w/ kid 2 and kid 3. By the time kid 4 was ready, she rebelled and I dropped out of the pre-k race. With kid 5, my very last one, I'm in NO RUSH to send her anywhere. In our state, she must start kindergarten by age 7 and heck, I may just try to hold out for all of the 7 years because she's the last one. I say go with your initial gut reaction - live life with no regrets. And, congrats on #3. SO happy for you!!
Another teacher here... (Mook's SIL incidentally)...I say keep her home, or send her like 1 or 2 mornings a week if she really likes it. She is totally learning things at home with you that she won't get elsewhere...especially not at school.
My unfortunate experience with having taught a 4 year old program for a year is that there are a LOT of parents out there who don't know what to do with their kids and can't be bothered figuring something out. They send them to school to get rid of them. Really quite sad. :(
You do so much for Phook, she is going to do so well no matter what...so definitely go with your gut!
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