Phooktionary

You know, Phook is two. This means that she sometimes busts out the kind of antics pulled by two-year-olds. You know...general mayhem, limit testing, unreasonable and ill-timed demands, seemingly irrational emotional outbursts, and the like. But I've got to tell you something. I kinda like two. In all honesty, this past winter of two and a half beat the pants off of last winter's one and a half. One and a half was almost completely nonverbal mayhem and boundless physical energy with no place to burn it. Two and half, while challenging, has been pretty amusing in a lot of ways. And the most amusing part of two and a half has been speech. I really, really, really need to capture her talking about something funny and post a video, but it's hard to have the camera ready at the right moment and to get something that does not include identifying names, etc. So I'm going to try to describe her speech to you, even though that's a weird thing to do. And I just want to document some of her strange linguistic habits, because I'll surely forget them as quickly as I forgot what she looked like crawling.

I should probably start by explaining that Phook is fully verbal and will at least attempt to say any word you put forth. Sometimes things with like 4 syllables stump her goat brain and she garbles them badly, but in general she can say most anything. She speaks in detailed paragraphs, tells stories with events detailed in chronological order, busts out new vocab pretty much daily, and says things she clearly knows are jokes. However, her pronunciation is not exactly pristine. You know those kids who seemingly come out of the womb speaking perfect English? Yeah, Phook isn't one of those kids. If people aren't familiar with her, some translation from Mom is generally helpful, although more and more she is able to conduct lengthier and lengthier conversations with strangers without me chiming in. But it's more than pronunciation that makes her speech amusing. She actually almost has a weird little accent. It's kind of hard to describe, but I'd say there are elements of Arnold Schwarzenegger involved. Vowel sounds are just a tick off and are drawn out in an Austrian-bodybuilder sort of way. There is an expressiveness to her speech which I'm going to go ahead and attribute directly to the fact that she spends 99.8% of her time with me, and, as you might be able to imagine, I'm sort of an expressive speaker. She uses wild intonations, wild body language, and wide eyes to tell you what is up. She just sounds funny. And she is funny.

So here is an annotated Phooktionary of some of her words/pronunciations/phrases that I am currently finding amusing. I am sure I will forget some, but that's okay. In 20 years, I'm guessing this might be my favorite blog entry of all time, for the reminiscence it will provide.

vaction - For some reason, this is how Phook pronounces "vacuum." When I bust out my vacuum, she always says, "Phook go get my vaction now to help you!"

basegameball - Some wires get crossed in her head, and she generally says "basegameball" instead of "baseball game."

mu-ox - This is how Phook pronounces "music." It actually is said "moo" (like a cow) and then "ox."

chine - Anything that is mechanized, automated, or otherwise powered can be referred to as a "chine" by Phook. This is apparently short for "machine." Her favorite chine was the one that sent the medicine into her body in the hospital. She still talks about that chine.

turn on da ceiling - When we redid Phook's room, we installed heating units in the ceiling. The room was originally an attic and not included in the home's duct work, and when the previous owners turned it into a bedroom, they put in electric baseboard heaters. We basically moved the heaters to the ceiling so they wouldn't be a fire hazard for kids/stuffed animals/etc. that will be on her floor. We tend to have the heaters basically off during the day, but we turn up the thermostat on her wall when we walk out of her room after tucking her in at night or for her nap. She caught onto this, and when we leave her now, she always reminds us to "turn on da ceiling."

keem - Phook is not potty-trained. Phook has had a few random toileting successes but is in general none too interested in going on the potty. I'm not interested in holding a howling child onto a toilet bowl, so we remain diapered. This means she occasionally has a touch of ass irritation, as children tend to do. Phook refers to any substance we put on her butt to alleviate said pain as "keem" which is her pronunciation of "cream." As I believe I have mentioned before, we here refer to butts as "heins," which is short for the term "heinie." So Phook often utters the sentence, "I have sore hein...I need KEEM!" I love that.

pink bahnkie and jean bahnkie - You have all seen pictures of and heard tell of Phook's pink blanket. It's pretty much attached to her all Linus-style. This is her "pink bahnkie." You may not know that there is also a "jean bahnkie" in existence. (Jean = green). Jean bahnkie must be used to swaddle her baby doll, who accompanies her during sleep and also on various excursions. She has been known to wake in the middle of the night, find Baby unsatisfactorially swaddled, and holler out, "Baby need jean bahnkie RIGHT NOW!" At 2 a.m. That is correct - in addition to our two living children, Big K and I are caring for a plastic infant who needs assistance when she busts out of her swaddle in the middle of the night.

i want need - This particular tic is already going the way of the dodo, but Phook recently went through a charming stage during which she stated that she "want need" things. Most commonly, it would be, of course, "I want need bahnkie!" I loved that.

besian - I believe I have referenced that in my household we refer to things as "aubesians" if they are anything that can be described as a lengthy grasping tool. It's a reference to a tool centaurs use to wipe their butts from an episode of SNL and is totally obscure. But, if you're raised with a word, you pretty much think it's a word, right? So my kids have this pincer-grasp toy that Hode and I got for Big K at the Museum of Science & Industry as a joke after he broke his kneecap in half and found himself relatively immobilized. And we've always called it an aubesian. So Phook thinks aubesians are actual things. Only she can't say aubesian. She just says "besian." So my kid runs around saying things like, "I need go get my besian to do dat." Total nonsense. (As I type this, I think that this inherited linguistic nonsense may be my biggest point of pride as a parent...and I'm not kidding.)

Jower - Everybody's favorite special needs cat in this household is Snoot. You probably know him as Uncle Growler, because even cats need a pseudonym. The thing is, Phook can't exactly pull off the hard "g" sound at this juncture. So she calls him "Jower." I love that.

shua - Phook cannot say "cereal." She is getting close, but forever she has called it "shua." This of course also applies to one of her staple foods, the shua bar. On the night before Thanksgiving, we were attending an evening church service. It was past Phook's bedtime, and she was really sleepy. We were singing a hymn, and she was kind of lolling about on my lap, and I noticed she was singing too. When I listened closely, I realized she was very melodically singing, "I want a shua bar..." in this pleasing little tune.

libooks - Every Tuesday, we go to our local library for children's storytime. It's a highlight of the week for those of us who don't exactly get out much. When we started this ritual, I'd tell Phook we were going to storytime and that she could pick out some library books. She decided that that term was better said if she combined the words and called it "libooks." So now both the building and the act of going and the actual items selected are referred to as "libooks" in this house. There is a little tune with which that is said too, and a gesture. You basically put your hands over your head, curve your body and point your hands to the left in the air, then sing "libooks" in a sing-songy little voice, shift your hands to your other side of your body, and thrust your hips in the opposite direction. And there you have it.

cirque - Phook has some pretty serious curly hair. Those of you with little curly-haired girls know what that means. Tangles. Lots and lots of tangles. Getting those tangles out in the morning can be one of the lowlights of my day. The current method I use for tangle removal is to squirt Phook's head with water from a bottle, and then squirt it with kids' hair detangler, smoosh it around on her head and let it marinate for a few minutes, and then attempt to get a comb through it while offering bribes in exchange for low decibel levels. Phook cannot say "squirt." Instead she says "cirque." Sometimes, one of the bribes is that she gets to cirque the water bottle into the air while I comb. Sometimes, we don't get to that point though, because Phook sees me coming with my toolkit and runs off hollering, "No cirque me, mommy!!!"

I can't do it - it's too hard to do it - This is her best Arnie phrase. Seriously, read that like you are doing an Arnie impersonation, and that's exactly how she sounds. When Phook is attempting to open a container or put on a tricky shoe or otherwise trying and failing at something, she says, "I can't do it. It's too hard to do it." It is so, so funny.

I too busy - Phook recently picked up on this phrase and now employs it as an excuse when called upon to put away a toy, eat a meal, go to bed, etc. "No, no, I too busy." If it weren't so dang charming...

Mommy keen up dat kitchen - it's weewy dirty. - Phook is at the age where she thinks she can outsmart me, and I love it. (She probably has actually outsmarted me on some occasions...that I do not love.) When she wants to do something that she knows I would dislike--for example, drink an entire can of my soda or smack her brother in the head--she tells me to go clean up the kitchen because it's dirty. This is because the kitchen offers no views of the living room or toy room or other places where she commits crimes. And she knows this. And thinks that she can get me out of the room to clean so she can have her way with things. Dude. I fear 16-year-old Phook.

Daddy - you got a kitty cat in your armpit - This upon seeing Big K's pit hair. Enough said.

Stop singing daddy - you're killing me - This uttered today for the first time. No explanation required.

dat heng dere - Phook cannot say "thing." The "th" sound is not something she's mastered. She pronounces the word "thing" as "heng." So if she wants some miscellaneous thing, she will refer to it as "dat heng dere." (That thing there.) I don't know why, but I find that really charming.

Jammee and Jampee - Phookspeak for Grandma and Grandpa.

Hoink - She recently added an "h" sound to the front of "oink" to make a pig sound. This after a solid year or more of oinking. Who knows. I think I prefer "hoink" anyhow.

Race Car movie, etc. - Phook has developed a taste for cinema. To say the least. And now I will reveal the names she has for her movie selections, in case you ever come over to babysit:

• Race Car movie = Cars
• Ice movie = Ice Age
• Penguin movie = Surf's Up
• Hippo movie = Madagascar
• Pig movie = Charlotte's Web
• Robot movie = Wall-e
• Super movie = The Incredibles
• Shrek = Shrek
• Shrek with kitty cat = Shrek 2
• Big Kid movie = High School Musical
• E-I-E-I-O movie = some godforsaken Wiggles DVD featuring nursery rhymes
• Shark movie = Shark Tale
• Dorothy = Wizard of Oz

Chuck Norris, Hode. - You know those Chuck Norris jokes/statements? As in, "Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried." Yeah, I think they are pretty much the most hilarious crap ever. So does my sister. So once I made Phook leave Hode a voicemail simply indicating she was thinking of Chuck Norris. And it rocked.

No, no, you lock it up. - I love the movie Wedding Crashers. There is a scene in which Vince Vaughn is trying to get out of a wedding reception quickly, having had an unfortunate liaison with a bridesmaid, and he's trying to get Owen Wilson to leave, but he doesn't want to because he likes a girl there. They start yelling at each other, saying, "Lock it up!" and then the other says, "No, no, you lock it up!" and back and forth from there. This weekend, Hode taught it to Phook. So now you tell Phook to lock it up and she yells back, "No, no, you lock it up!" Training my kid to repeat trashy movie quotes is yet another feather in my parenting cap.

I just restin'. - If you tell Phook it's bedtime, she lately prefers to lie down on the couch, tuck herself in, and inform you that bedtime is not necessary because she is just restin'.

In one minute - When asked to do something, Phook will now inform you that she will do it in one minute. Or if you're extra lucky, she might tell you she will be ready to comply in two minutes. Awesome.

Forty times - When Phook is sporting a particularly soaked dipe, I ask her how many times she peed in that thing. Without fail, she acts all contemplative, and then says, "Ah, forty times."

Wem-made - Phook likes lemonade (it's actually generic Crystal Light, but she doesn't need to know). Either way, she can't say it. In Phookspeak, she needs "wem-made."

Dat make me cry. - When Phook so much as sees an onion, even one in a bowl that was cut up hours before, she says, "Dat onion make me cry. Need tissue." She then blots her eyes sadly. She also seems to think lemons can make her cry, because she also needs a tissue for those. And she informs me, "Dose wemons weewy sour. I no eat dose. Dey just for cookin'." Do you think the child has spent much time sitting on the counter while I chop things?

Weewy hansome - When I get the Pig ready for church, she informs me he is "weewy hansome," and the other day when he was especially dressed up for work, she informed Big K that he "wook weewy hansome, wike [Pig]!"

See ya, suckers - Shortly after Halloween, I was pushing the kids in the double stroller, and Phook was reminiscing about trick or treating. At the time, she wasn't talking nearly as fluidly as she does now, and she was basically putting together a smattering of words related to her trick or treating experience. She was saying "bye," "thank you," "see ya," "bee," "sucker," etc. And then she put together, accidentally at the time, "See ya, sucker!" Well, I was amused, to say the least. So amused that it morphed into our standard farewell. When Phook says goodbye to people, she generally says, "See ya, suckers!" And then I laugh. And that anecdote pretty much exposes my childrearing style in a nutshell. Sorry, society.

So. There you have it. I will probably think of a million more of these as soon as I post this, but I thought you might enjoy a selected Phooktionary. Chuck Norris surely will, the next time he googles himself.