D-Day

Okay, fine, an update. Today is my due date. And Circus remains firmly indoors. No additional signs of impending childbirth since the last update.

I am trying to remain calm. I don't think I'm doing a particularly awesome job of it. I'm kind of a blender full of emotions. I am very excited to meet Circus, and especially to finally know the baby's gender. If I allow myself to think of Phook's upcoming status change from baby to big sister, I require facial tissues or at least someone's shirt to slobber upon. If I think about actual childbirth, which has unfortunately been occurring more and more lately, I am reminded that there is some amazingly huge pain in my incredibly near future. On Saturday, Phook was napping and Big K was in the basement gaming with his brother, and thoughts of childbirth starting smacking me in the grill. Within 3 minutes I was actually shaking and breathing hard and just having some visceral anxiety. I mean, I know I can do it, but that doesn't mean I want to.

I feel a sense that there is something I should do, but really, everything reasonable is done. The household is in order. The baby's stuff is in order. The hospital bag is packed. Phook's going-to-grandparents bag is packed. The freezer is stocked with enough hoarded meals to last until Thanksgiving. All equipment is in working order. But I am still a ball of nervous energy, which is interesting given that I have no actual energy. My cold is hanging on, my sleeplessness continues, and I'm a beast. Phook has been under the weather too with big fevers this weekend...today she only woke up with a wee fever but is currently coughing herself to sleep in her crib, so that's not awesome. Big K is scrambling to get all his work in order at his place of business. We're all just waiting, and no one is at their best. I feel like we should be doing something; I just don't know what "something" is.

Tomorrow, another non-stress-test is scheduled. The end time is near. And that is all.