I think it's now safe to say we lived through the winter

People, people, people. This blog has spent the last several months serving as the outhouse into which I void my complaints about the weather, my imprisonment in rural central Wisconsin with very few outlets for dealing with said weather, and my general complaints, which may or may not include commentary on the weather. Since that is the case, I feel compelled to tell you about the awesomeness of my day, which was primarily sponsored by the weather.

Actually, my awesome day includes yesterday, which was also highly awesome. Phook, my mom, and I went to our favorite local greenhouse (which actually does not suck even by real human standards). I found some awesome pink gardening gloves which are stretchy enough to actually fit my giant man hands, which right there is something worth celebrating. I also purchased a couple perennials. My mom purchased one of those bee catcher things because there are lots of bees in the vicinity of her lovely deck, and she wants to "kill all those cockheads." (Yes, that is a quote from my mother...and you wonder how I might have ended up with a penchant for colorful language.)

Then we went and hung out on said deck at her house and swore at the bees while Phook tooled around the area. The weather was so balmy she quickly went from wearing a spring jacket, t-shirt, and pants down to just a dipe and socks. She tooled around and played with rocks, as is her custom. Then she napped and Grandma J and I had some nice iced tea on the deck in the sun. Then we came home and I made 9,528 pounds of tacos and had my parents come over. And Big K's mom and brother too. So we all sat around and ate tacos like swine, and you can't beat that under any circumstances. Then we all went and hung out in the yard. Phook at this point got 100% naked because she's rocking a little diaper rash and we thought it was a good opportunity to air out her business. And then she took a giant piss on the concrete driveway, and Big K said, "Whoa, she must have inherited my urethra." That is probably horrifying to you, but it was kind of the highlight of the last several months of my life. I mean, given the snow situation here this winter, just the thought of Phook taking a giant naked leak on the concrete driveway would have sustained me for several weeks, had I had the foresight to imagine such a scenario. So that was nice.

And then it was really today, which was awesome. Phook and I started our day by going outside and planting some dahlia bulbs and the aforementioned perennials. We were pleased to note that the vast majority of our perennials from seasons past seem to have lived through the winter. I've got about 8 billion tulips up, and boy howdy does that just make me think that perhaps I won't have to drink that cyanide cocktail I mixed myself the day after Christmas and have been staring at in the back of my fridge ever since. After we handled our gardening issues, I pushed Phook in her swing for awhile, which was freshly re-hung after a long, sad winter in the garage. We came inside and had some lunch and finished up our inside chores, the details of which I will not bore you with. Then Phook and I snuggled in the recliner in our pre-nap ritual, and the sleepy little nugget actually passed out on my lap. This, friends, does not happen. So I enjoyed that for a little bit and then toted her upstairs for the remainder of her nap.

At this point I ventured back outside to do some raking, which may sound like hell to a normal person, but sounds like the greatest thing since sliced bread to this housebound asshole. I have been working on raking the yard over the course of several days, and I am getting to the end now. So I raked and hauled a bunch of yard waste around in my sweet new gardening gloves. And I was also wearing...dudes...yes...shorts and a tank top. Holy fuckballs. It was almost 80 degrees. I am not kidding. Maybe it even was 80 degrees. It was the exact temperature of awesome. Man. I even skipped the support hose for the occasion. Then I rooted some compost out of my composter and hoed it into my garden. And then I generally dicked around in the dirt like the pig that I am and enjoyed my own filth until my giant uterus was finally like, "Bitch, you are like 300 months pregnant. I suggest you get yourself some water, put your feet up, and stop acting like a deranged farmer with the energy of 2,000 toddlers." So I did abide by the casual request of my uterus. I sat in a lawn chair with my feet up, slammed some water, watched my belly jump around with the kicks of Circus Act, and sunned myself. (The sun requested I give it a break, but I wasn't hearing that shit, because the sun has not exactly been listening to my demands lately either.)

Oh, and there was something else awesome. To make a very long story short-ish, I will say that Big K and I purchased a fairly pricey dining room set a few years ago. We also purchased one of those furniture protection plan things for it. The thing has worn like utter shit and has a heat mark on it. So I filed a claim in November. I have been dicking with these people since November, and today I got a letter in my mailbox saying they have authorized us to go to the store where we bought the set and pick out an entire new set up to the original purchase price of our set. This after the drama of being informed that they only replace the item upon which you have made the claim (in this case just the table top), the entire set has been discontinued, and I was essentially up shit creek without a paddle in the matter. (Perhaps someone at their company happened upon my little letter to my friendly neighborhood insurer and decided they didn't want to fuck with the babysitter.) So anyhow, now we get to go shopping with "free" money for a whole new dining room set, and I didn't even have to send any hate mail. That made me pee a little.

At this point I realized it was 3 p.m. and I was in need of nourishment, so I housed a lovely salad in my lawn chair. Then my kid woke up about 3:30 after a blissfully beautiful 2 hour nap. We then did a little more snuggling (I love that the little beast has finally gotten the hang of some slothful quality time with her mother after months of refusing any such notion of stillness and confinement). Next we decided to go for a walk, since being indoors seemed like a criminal act. So I threw Phook in her stroller with some cheese fish (a.k.a. goldfish crackers) and we took a couple mile stroll around The Woods, during which we socialized with several dogs, several pubescent bastards on bikes, a few old ladies, and lots of school buses, which are Phook's current raison d'etre. We returned home, spent some more time in the swing, and then took another mini-walk sans stroller until we spotted Big K's car coming home from work. We hitched a ride with the man, came back home, and then I threw leftover taco stuff on the counter and bailed out of this joint for water aerobics.

I will not mention what it cost me to gas up my minivan, as that would ruin my happy place, but I had an enjoyable blue-haired time in the pool and that was that. I got home, had my own leftover tacos, and now it is now.

Not that you people really give two shits about everything I did today (particularly when presented in obnoxious chronological order), but I just wanted to record for posterity what my ideal day looks like after spending what seems like 40 years in a gray, snow-covered cave. Jesus. Now, of course it is only April. And it is Wisconsin. I would truly not be surprised to see snow again. (No, I'm not kidding.) It's not like we have hit some permanent state of tank top weather. But I had this day. And it was good. So good. As I was sunning myself like a giant beachball with limbs this afternoon, I got one of those giant waves of, "I love my life." Not to be a cheesebag or anything, but it feels so good to have that wash over you after some dark days/weeks/months have gotten you down. I was just thinking how freaking lucky I was to have the luxury of being able to sit outside and enjoy such a gorgeous day. It's the kind of day that would have had me licking the windows of my office during my corporate days, tears either literally rolling down my cheeks or merely flooding my soul, as I clocked in another 12-hour workday and 3 hours in the car commuting, never getting a single sip of the awesome right on the other side of that window. Oh my god did that suck. So, yeah, I feel supremely lucky having spent the day in the dirt with my kid. It's where it's at.