Dreams really do come true

Since my previous post was a pathetic lament about my fundamental unwellness, I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you about the most exciting thing to happen in Big W's holiday world since, like, well, since I believed in Santa.

Ornaments. Now, I love Christmas ornaments. Major big time. My parents picked me out an ornament each year of my little life. And other well-wishers gave me a bunch too as a youngster. So I started out with quite a stash. Just for giggles, I'm going to show you my favorite ornament from my childhood, which I refer to the "Parisian gato." Nevermind the French/Spanish disconnect there. Just focus on his jaunty little beret, rotund belly, and sailor suit (sorry the pic is blurry):


And then we got a lot for our wedding. And for Phook. And, well, yes, I bought 10 million of them. Back when I was in the habit of hemorrhaging cash, I indulged in the habit of ornament collection quite fervently. Whenever Big K and I went somewhere, I always got an ornament from the place. Not necessary a tacky souvenir ornament, but I found a place that sold ornaments and bought one there. So that added quite a few to the pile. My favorite from this category is a little ornament set I bought on our honeymoon in San Francisco. These are (obviously) a bride and groom set of fish, but they each have a magnet in their lips so when you hang them on the tree you smack them together and they make out on the tree all season long. These rule. We always save them for last and then Big K puts on his boy fish and I put on my girl fish and we smack them together and give each other a kiss at the same time. Nothing could be cheesier. Nothing could rock more, if you're my kind of dork. Anyhow, here they are:


But by and large, what I went the craziest on was food ornaments. I love food. I love food ornaments. The majority of my food ornaments are these glass Old World Christmas brand ornaments, such as those seen here. They range in price from a couple bucks to maybe a bit over $10 or so. All I know is that I spent several years on a vision quest to obtain lots and lots of these ornaments. And I succeeded. I probably have, oh, 50 or so food ornaments, plus or minus a couple dozen. And for the past several years, I have been dreaming of someday having a food-only Christmas tree. That would be in addition to the standard issue tree. My husband has smiled and nodded.

When we moved into this house a few years back, I deemed it large enough to justify two trees. So I bought a cheap fake one to put up in our dining room, and I got some cheap red and gold ball ornaments and some ribbon and did it up like that. But it was a poorly constructed tree, and Uncle Growler sat in it all the time, and he crushed the damned thing. This year it was clear that it could not be resurrected. So we're sitting here a week or two ago putting up our real, big tree, and I asked Big K for clemency on the subject of him getting frustrated because there are not enough branches to hold all of our ornaments. And he said to me, yes he did, he said to me, "Do you wanna do the food tree this year?"

Tears sprung to my eyes and I immediately began to assess whether this was a cruel joke or whether the man was actually going to acquiesce to my lifelong request for a food tree. It turned out he meant it. Oh, lordy! So, having gotten on the environmentalist bandwagon in recent years, I determined to get a second real tree, only a wee one in comparison to the major tree. And the other day I finally found it. And then we decked out that whole sucker in food. Man, I can't tell you the last time some stupid object turned my frown upside down like that. I was taking hot laps around the dining room yelping like a bastard. My sister called and attempted to converse with me, but I was pretty much just like, "Oh, there's the red onion!" "Oh, there's the taco!" "Oh, there's the beet!" "Oh, there's the eggplant!" Man, the excitement. Man, every time I look at that thing I skip. Man, I think it will be up until President's Day, at the very least.

Here she is (not quite as pretty as in the dark, but I wanted you to see the ornaments and whatnot):

And, since it's the holidays, here is a gratuitous Phook shot post-nap the other day with a gigantic tuft of hair sticking up off the back of her dome:


So, dudes, there it is. I have a food tree. Aw, yeah. Obituary writers take note: it is imperative that mine should prominently state, "And the bitch had a food tree..."