Step off

(Firstly, I just want to mention that I'm going to be returning to regularly scheduled programming here, since I don't think I can write much more about the topic of my previous post without having a meltdown. Thank you all for your good wishes...I will keep you posted.)

What I would like to discuss today is my holiday rage. I know that this isn't the most original idea and that you can find essays in every conceivable publication complaining about the increasingly early onset of the holiday season, but that still doesn't change the fact that I am going to complain about it here and now.

Seriously. Today, I believe, is November 26, nearly a full month before the big day. Today I received not one but three catalogs screaming, "It's not too late!!!" on the front cover. This infuriated me. I know it is not too late, jackasses. I have a month to get my act all the way together. Man. The last couple days, I've been feeling this odd stress about everything I have to do before Christmas, thinking I can't possibly get it done in time. Then today, I checked myself. I have plans to make about 8 more kinds of cookies/candies. I have to either pick a photo of Phook or have one taken and turned into Christmas cards. I have to write a long-winded Christmas letter. I have to finish my Christmas shopping, which is about 50% done, and wrap the loot. I have to get and put up a tree. I'm pretty sure that is it. I guess it's kind of a long list, but not really, given that a) it is self-imposed and b) I have an entire twelfth of a year to finish it. I should not be in panic mode at this time. I don't have a whole lot going on other than whatever the hell I want to do, so there is ample time to complete these tasks at a leisurely and non-stressful pace.

Because I know the above to be true, I am seriously pissed at all the retailers who are bombarding me with warnings that I have 46 seconds left in order to ensure delivery by Christmas Eve. And then there is the sheer volume of shit from these asshats. I'm not going to name names, but JCPenn@ys is seriously getting on my nerves. I think I am receiving catalogs from them at a rate of more than one per day. And they haven't introduced a single new item since their fall/winter catalog came out in like June, as far as I can tell. There is a cooks catalog, a jewelry one, gift guides, luggage guides, kids, housewares. Get off my back, dudes. Trust me that I know all your shit is on sale and I know I can get free shipping. That is a fundamental truth and I will never doubt it...you do not need to notify me hourly. My honest estimate is that I am receiving 7 catalogs per day from various establishments and 25 retail e-mails. I have indeed bought items from many of these places over the years, but once they taste blood, they just don't let go. I can't believe how intent they are on reclaiming my business when I bought something from them in 1999 for $14.95. I guarantee they have spent more than that in mailings trying to get me to drop another couple bucks. It takes a serious paper management system and intense diligence in order to prevent one's home from becoming one of those hoarder houses where all the hallways are lined with stacks of magazines and stuff. I can't even think about the environmental impact of all this propaganda, because my head will explode.

The thing that really gets me about this trend is that I am not a scrooge. I am a lover of the Christmas season. I like dicking around with candy coating and putting up a little manger scene in my dining room. I piss myself throughout the month of December in anticipation of people opening the gifts I picked out for them. But this whole scenario where Christmas starts rearing its ugly head in October and officially explodes onto the scene before the Halloween candy can rot a single little tooth is just too much. Is poor little Thanksgiving even allowed to happen anymore? I'm not even going to go off about the revolting nature of the commercialization of something that is supposed to be a sacred Christian holiday. That is well established.

My primary problem is with the dilution of the feeling I am supposed to get around Christmas. Some intrinsic force is supposed to wake up inside of me at some point in December and fill me with the Christmas spirit. This has always happened for me spontaneously since I was a child. I got that Christmas feeling of happiness and an overwhelming desire to cut my fellow man some slack. I was filled with perpetual happiness. But as of last year, I've started to struggle. Last year I was mystified by my melancholy, but this year I think I know why. I feel like some dickhead is trying to kick my ass into Christmas mode, and I don't appreciate it. The feelings of Christmas need to happen within me...they cannot be activated by catalogs and 24-hour sales and warnings of how limited my time to shop is. So that's why I'm pissed. By accelerating the whole process artificially, the real process is not happening. And that sucks. I know there are some people who always have a hard time with Christmas, exclusive of the retail environment, and I respect that and don't wish to try and strangle them into happiness with garland. But I really, truly wish that Christmas could proceed at a realistic pace for those of us who generally look forward to our enjoyment of the season. A season that should be measured in weeks or even days rather than these long fraught months.

So I have decided I am going to slow it down as best I can in my own little world, and I really hope that helps. I am not going to panic when there is no need to panic. I am not going to rush when there is no need to rush. I am going to try my best to let that intrinsic little Christmas spirit bubble up inside of me, instead of succumbing to the message that I should be in full blown "rush that order" mode. And I will not (and this is the worst part) feel guilty for not feeling Christmasy when you assholes are faking the funk by telling me that it is Christmas when it is not.

So I was randomly fuming about this issue tonite as I was on my evening walk through The Woods, when I noticed quite a few people had Christmas decorations up. Lots of crooked candy canes in yards and blinking bullshit. At first I found myself angrily thinking about my pile of catalogs as I stalked around, but then I felt myself becoming calmer as I saw more and more tacky plastic decor. I found it undeniable that drunken Woodsians who take the time to put out their icicle lights are what make me feel the way I'm supposed to feel this time of year. So take that, Mr. Free Shipping. I'm going to be picking out my holiday cheer from a different catalog this year.